My husband rubbed my belly today and I started crying. I can not tell you the fears I have associated with this little person’s daddy choosing his/her brothers every-time because he feels guilty or protective or defensive.
It’s this urgency inside of me to make things better, to fix things; to change the past. Sometimes, I really resent my step children. Sometimes, I am the evil step mom that everyone talks about. I get frustrated because they’re demanding and disrespectful. They won’t listen to me. So sometimes I close the bedroom door and hope their bedtime comes sooner than later. I wait it out. My husband can take care of them and deal with their behavior. I try; I try to be patient and calm, cool, collected. But maybe, maybe it’s not enough. I feel like the oldest has become my enemy, constantly acting up to see if his dad sides with me or sides with him. I feel so lonely when they are here. The third wheel. The unwanted intruder. I feel like it’s not okay, nothing about this “step” situation is okay.
I’m tired of being compared to their mother. Or being told I need to be “more” of a mother to them. I don’t feel like their mother. I don’t want to be their mother, they have a mother. And no matter how dysfunctional and neglectful she is, she’s their mother and I’m not in it to fill her shoes or show her up.
I’m scared their behavior will rub off on my child. I’m feeling so incredibly protective of my baby. I want him/her to have their daddy, and not ever take the back seat because my husbands kids are so demanding and desperate to get attention.
When they leave life feels lighter, and I feel guilty because, I can breathe again.
[My second therapy appointment is on Tuesday and I can’t tell you how excited I am to work through my issues.]