Who’d have thought waiting to ovulate could be so, so…uneventful.
I feel a weird, but calming, reassurance that I will be having a baby winter 2012/2013. Call me crazy, but I feel like progress is being made and that it’s going to happen. I have this gigantic mommy’s heart inside of my chest and there is no doubt in my mind that I was made, with the capacity, to have a child.
I refuse to run in fear that my life and uterus will experience repeat. My fears have already happened, and here I am still standing. Only crippled for a time, a moment where I was taken out at the knees as my greatest fears [miscarriage and pregnancy loss] came to fruition. I don’t think you can ever truly explain the feeling of emptiness that one is left after the bleeding and cramping and the positive pregnancy test that was so misleading. [Can you relate to what I am saying?] This utter loneliness that starts in your toes and stops at the ends of the strands of your hair. Your surrounded by those you love, yet, strangely, completely alone in your devastation.
I do believe a healthy pregnancy and birth, somehow in some way, rectifies that loss. So we wait to be rectified. We wait for the chasm between “lady who lost her pregnancy” to “mommy” to be crossed; to be carried to the other side. We wait, making every movement and effort to meet our souls urning; to be rectified. I am not saying that we don’t work on healing and moving on, but nothing will ever completely help our wounded hearts, like the first wail of our new born baby. In that place, can you feel it and imagine it (?), our hearts will find this deep and solid restitution.
I’m believing in motherhood. I’m believing in a winter baby. I’m believing that my body can do this, that my mind will allow it. No fear. For, I have faced my fears and resurfaced, a little bruised for the wear, but standing strong and moving forward.
[.I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. Says the little uterus that could.]
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- adorkablebaby said: Having recently had a miscarriage this brought tears to my eyes. You put it so well and expressed exactly how I’ve been feeling. This will be our month. :)
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